Randy Picket Calls Press Conference To Deny Stapler Allegations

By Tiffany Today

The Bullderos Report

BULLDEROS STUDIOS — Bullderos Studios Asset Manager Randy Pickett called a press conference Tuesday morning to address what he described as "a deeply irresponsible campaign of rumor and speculation" surrounding the disappearance of hundreds of studio staplers.

Standing before reporters inside what Randy repeatedly referred to as his "personal collection," the longtime asset manager firmly rejected accusations that he had taken a single office supply.

"People see a raccoon standing near a stapler and immediately jump to conclusions," Randy told reporters. "Frankly, I expected better from this organization."

Studio records, however, indicate that 412 staplers, 37 tape dispensers, 12 hole punches, 7 pairs of scissors, and one mystery mug have all been recovered from the very room where the press conference was held.

Randy maintained that the evidence proves nothing.

"Ownership is a complicated concept."

Members of the Stapler Response Task Force (SRTF) declined to comment directly on Randy's statement but confirmed that additional office supplies continue to be recovered "on an almost daily basis."

Several Bullderos Studios crew members, however, were considerably less reserved.

One lighting technician told The Bullderos Report,

"Every time I buy a new stapler, it disappears before lunch."

A production assistant claimed they now write their name on every office supply they own.

"It doesn't help."

Another crew member, speaking on the condition of anonymity because they still needed Randy to sign out equipment, simply sighed before saying,

"He's incredibly organized... I'll give him that."

Meanwhile, an SRTF evidence agent could be seen cataloging additional staplers throughout the duration of the press conference.

Randy insisted those items were unrelated.

The investigation remains ongoing.